I wish I could write out what’s taking place inside of me, but I can’t. While no one reads this little corner of my world but me, I still have the fear that someday someone just might and then they would know the “real” me.
But in the past few weeks I’ve been e-mailing back and forth with a man I was once involved with. He wants to see me. We haven’t seen each other in almost five years and I would really like to go out to dinner with him, but it’s what would happen after dinner that I’m afraid of.
Simply interacting with him has stirred up all sorts of things inside me. I’ve been thinking of things that have laid dormant for years.
The scriptures teach that divorce and remarriage are wrong. Period. And while that’s NOT ever going to happen between this man and I…. I’m practically falling out of my chair with laughter at even the thought. BUT… while I’m strong in my acceptance of what scripture teaches, I’m still human, still a woman. And I still have the same feelings, longings and desires as any other woman. And as long as I haven’t been interacting with man, I’ve been able to keep a firm grip on those longings and desires.
And… and… and before I got saved I was about as far out into sin as a person could possibly go. And that’s what this man wants from me. Oh! He’ll offer to just meet me for dinner and that’s what we’ll do. But he wants so very, very much more than that.
And that’s what I’m afraid of. Because I would very much like to go out to dinner with a man. I miss the basics… like a conversation between a man and a woman, having a man open a restaurant door, feeling his hand in the small of my back as we walk through a crowded area, even the silly things like having the waitress place the check beside him. I AM HUMAN! I AM WOMAN!!!!!
And this slight interaction we’ve been having has stirred up all those feelings and cravings again.
And he knows it. And he also knows that it’s stirring up thoughts of the horrible sinful things I once enjoyed so much.